Not everything you think or believe is true.
Read that again.
Have you ever stopped to ask whether your beliefs are actually true?
I had to do this this just today during a meltdown, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Recently I re-read Dr. Edith Eger’s book, The Choice: Embrace the Possible. Dr. Eger, who recently passed away a few months ago at age 98, is one of my sheroes. She was an Auschwitz survivor who chose to turn her pain and trauma into her life’s purpose of helping others: first through becoming a licensed psychologist, and later, writing her first book at age 90 when she finally told her story to the world.
One quote grabbed my attention. In the cattle car on the way to the concentration camp, Dr. Eger’s mother told her, “Just remember, no one can take away from you what you’ve put into your own mind.” (34)
That message helped keep young, teenage Edie alive in Auschwitz. Perhaps it can change our lives, too.
Over the course of our lives, we intentionally put many thoughts and beliefs into our minds. We also absorb and embody expectations, beliefs and interpretations of those beliefs without always consciously choosing them. Dr. Eger’s mother was right. No one can take away the thoughts and beliefs that support and empower you. The opposite is also worth considering: only you can begin to question the beliefs you’ve carried that no longer serve you, no longer fit who you are, or were never actually true to begin with.
What has been living in your mind so long that you stopped questioning whether it is still true?Some of the beliefs women often internalize include (and yes, I’ve been guilty of all of these at some point):
- If I can do it myself, I should
- Success requires sacrifice
- Rest has to be earned
- A good woman puts everyone else first
Have you ever believed one, or even all, of these, too? Some of these beliefs may have been rewarded. Some may have helped you belong, succeed, stay safe, or meet expectations. You may never have consciously chosen them at all.
The question now is: Are they still true for the woman you are today?
Sometimes, it doesn’t take much for an old belief to show up and start running the show. Like today.
Today I wasn’t just frustrated. I was furious.
When several things weren’t going the way I wanted, my mind quickly went from, “This isn’t working,” to:
“Nothing is working.”
“I must be doing everything wrong.”
“I’m such a failure.”
“I can’t get anything right.”
Cue the meltdown.
After the tears, frustration, and yes, snot, I eventually regrouped enough to think more clearly. What struck me was how quickly a frustrating circumstance had become a conclusion about not just my life, but my Self.
One question I asked my Self, and do often when my mind goes down these rabbit holes is, “Is this true?”
Taking a moment to sit with that question almost always has the same answer: no.
Asking this question allows us to separate fact from story.
Fact: Something is frustrating and not working the way I want
Story: Nothing works and I’m am doing everything wrong
Of course, the answer could be, “yes,” but start to tally up how many times the stories you tell yourself aren’t actually fact. Which one leads?
As a yoga practitioner and teacher, I’ve recently been bringing the practice of sākṣī, or witness consciousness, more intentionally into my own life.
Sākṣī invites us to notice what is present without immediately becoming identified with it.
In that moment, I could notice:
- There is anger.
- There is frustration.
- There is grief.
Those emotions were real. I wasn’t pretending otherwise. They were experiences moving through me, but not the entirety of who I am.
I let myself feel them. I cried. I melted down. Soon after, I worked out at the gym and let some of that energy move through my body instead of arguing with the feelings, suppressing them, or forcing my Self into a positive thought.
You can question the story without denying the feeling.
It all begins with awareness.
When you notice a thought or belief that may no longer be serving you, imagine placing it inside a snow globe.
Hold it in front of you rather than automatically standing inside it.
Look at it with curiosity.
Let it settle.
Then ask: Is this true?
How does continuing to believe this serve me?
You don’t have to deny what you feel. You are simply creating enough space to choose your next response rather than allowing an old belief to choose for you.
Allow your feelings, emotions and what is present without automatically making it your full identity and reality, then choose your next response.
Awareness creates room for more choice: not always with our circumstances, but how we show up in them.
Again, here’s the process:
Notice → Pause → Question → Allow → Choose
- Notice: What thought or belief just appeared?
- Pause: Create a little space.
- Question: Is this true? How is this belief serving me?
- Allow: What am I actually feeling?
- Choose: How do I want to respond now?
This process allows you to respond, rather than react, or at least get the initial reaction out so you can then respond appropriately.
Note that nowhere did I suggest that you replace your thoughts with positive ones, though that is certainly an option. I reframed my thoughts this morning, which was useful and helpful, because what I was telling myself was indeed not true.
One thing I know both from studying neuroplasticity and from living it is that what we repeat becomes easier to repeat. The brain strengthens frequently used patterns. That includes patterns of thought, interpretation, emotion, and behavior. The encouraging part is that repetition works both ways. We can practice noticing an old pattern, interrupting it, and choosing differently. Over time, that new response can become more available to us, too.
A thought arising in your mind is not automatically truth, and it is not automatically your Self. One of my Yoga philosophy teachers invited to us ask the question, “How do I know that I know what I claim to know?” It is a powerful question of discernment. What do I actually know? What have I learned or absorbed? What am I assuming? What is still true for me now?
If Dr. Eger’s mother was right that no one can take away what you’ve put into your mind, then perhaps part of reclaiming your Self is deciding what still deserves to live there.
What gets to stay in your mind?